Infertility...oh dear infertility!

Few months ago I posted a really funny joke about being pregnant and as you read on the post it did explain that I wasn't really pregnant. It was something that I had seen posted on another friend's Facebook and it made me chuckle. After I received several comments and other Communications that it was hurtful and not funny. Get over it!
I love how easily people are offended and how people tell you how hurtful that can be to people who have been trying to get pregnant or had a miscarriage. As a woman who struggles with infertility let me tell you what offends me. Being asked when me and my husband are planning on having children. Same people who announced that they're having a baby. Seeing other friends who struggle and grateful that they're in the same boat as you. Seeing friends who have struggles and now we're having a baby. Seeing people with babies. Seeing pregnant women. Seeing young couples who are excited to start having babies. So when it comes to infertility everything offends me. When it comes to my vagina not working not working everything offends me.
No matter what advice is given to me it hurts and there's no way to get around it. I'm not able to lock myself up in a room and throw away the key. But it's okay for other people to tell me when I joke about something that I'm wrong for doing it. Each of us walk a different route in this life and no matter what someone else thinks we have no clue what that person is going through. My infertility is my struggle. The fact that I probably taken hundreds a pregnancy test and have sworn at least 4 times I knew I was pregnant oh, it's my problem. I cannot start asking people not to have babies or do not hand me their babies for a second. And in those moments there's a part of me that wishes with all my heart that it was my kid in my arms. But I choose to be offended they don't offend me I want to make that straight. There's no way we can stop Our Lives to make someone else feel comfortable. I truly believe that our Prime purpose in life is to help others and if we can't do that at least don't hurt them. No one can help me with this infertility issue, problem, bitterness, anger, sadness, frustration and I could go on and on but it's my issue and I have to deal with it.
Deep down inside I know I have a savior, I have a loving Heavenly Father and in the plan it will all work out. It's really hard to remember that when I pee into a cup and that test is negative. So I guess what I'm trying to say is let my infertility be my problem and let me hold your babies.

Starting New.

So i have stunk in the past at writing on this blog. I will do my best to become a better writer. Meaning that i will write more but i promise you will still be get my half-english script. There has been a long of things going on in my life. i try not to get to personal but i know that i need to put them somewhere. So my thinking is that this might be the place. Over the past year there has been a lot of things going on in my life. i will share them over time but i want to start out sharing something that started over 8 years ago. Coming up soon 8 years ago was one of the hardest days of my life. At this time i do not wish to share all the fact but i want people to know that i hurt just like others. I cry, and many times i cry myself to sleep. I wish that i understood Gods plan better, but am lucky to know that he does have a plan. I miss you. I want you to know that. I think about you and it drives me crazy. Apart of tell myself that it has been long enough and i should have moved on by this time. the girl inside tells me "what is wrong with you. Cant you see that you are holding yourself back." My heart is telling me to never to give up, you do not know how this is going to end, and that it is better to love then to never know love". Just give me an answer someone. Tell me how i should react. tell me that its ok to love and fell that cant eat, can't sleep, shoot for the start, out of the park, world series feeling, Tell me. Now that, that is over i promise to become more faithful to my readers out there. who ever you are. maybe you know me but then again maybe we don't but for some reason we are here. goodnight my friends. -dee

12-21-11

So I have been thinking about what i would like to write. Is there really anything great that i put out into the world. Not that Im looking to change the world or something.... well maybe I am. There is a lot that i have to say but words have never been my strong point. in the Book of Mormon Nephi states that there only mistakes in the book are the ones that are of his own weakness. Yet in the end there was a perfect collection testifing of Jesus Christ. I feel that this is the same way my life. Heavenly Father understands and sees the glory that will come in the end but the mistakes that take place are because of my personal weaknesses. Its frustrating and even extremely hard to bear at times. for example why can't i move on from my mission. My mission means everything to me but why do i feel that for the rest of my life i will always wish for those day. I just go round and round...... oh i wish i could still be on my mission...I should go on another mission.....to why can't i be on my mission. I don't have the answers to everything, i know where to find them but what do you do when you find what your good at, love every moments and then 18 months leave a home that you can never return back to. Dear world thats my thoughts.

So it has been a long time my friend....

The other day i was think.... Man it has been a long time since i have wrote anything in my blog. I feel as though my blog is a place where everyone knows my name. i can share my feeling and say what i want and there is nothing that anyone can do about it. This excites me awww a place of my own.

So i have been home for over 7months now. it drives me crazy i can not believe how very fast this time has gone. Yet i feel that my life has not change or grown very much since I have been home. This is all about to change. Yesterday i had a Aha Moment. Im really not sure what it was but i knew that I have not been responsible about things going on in my life.
I hate my job and I Never go out and do thing and once i get home from work i just want to sleep and then again it starts all over. so i made a little list of ten things i believe will help me to have the best life ever. These things are not worldly (at least i dont think so) things are going to change and im going to change too. Raising my diet coke.... Heres to a new day!

Day 2 of the things I love the most.

This one is a real simple one. I love the temple.

I love to see the temple.
I’m going there someday
To feel the Holy Spirit,
To listen and to pray.
For the temple is a house of God,
A place of love and beauty.
I’ll prepare myself while I am young;
This is my sacred duty.
2. I love to see the temple.
I’ll go inside someday.
I’ll cov’nant with my Father;
I’ll promise to obey.
For the temple is a holy place
Where we are sealed together.
As a child of God, I’ve learned this truth:
A fam’ly is forever.

Day 1 of the things I love the most.

So being that February is the month of love i have chosen to write about one thing that i love each and every day of the month. so here is my first. I would have to say that i love my Nephews just about more then anything. It has brought me true joy that i never thought i could fall in love so fast with these two little guys.

This is little Lennon McCartney he is just a little guy and was born on the 4th of january and is growing so fast.


This is Jon Jr. My Favorite thing about him is his laugh. I think its that best sound i have ever heard.

Lets go over this one more time.

So last night i was thinking about a lot of junk. I wish that i knew what i was to do at this time in my life. I feel depressed about being home. There is nothing and no reason why i should feel this way but i have not lost hope.

I want to become the person that the Lord wants me to be. I want to wax' strong in the gospel. From my mission i have learned so very many things. I do not want to lose them now that i am home. Today is a new day, a day where all the past is gone and i start fresh and am able to sing my son of glory one more time. Yet i will not my self or anyone for that fact slow or stop me. -d.